Two superheroes and a fat guy

Let me preface this by saying that all the readers in Polk County and Landrum nearly lost a sports editor this week.

I felt like I was lost somewhere in the pages of a comic book.

On one side of me, I had Katie Malone. You may also know her as Superwoman. On the other side of me, I had John Cash. You may also know him as Superman.

Stuck in the middle was me, Joey Millwood. You may also know me as the fat guy who desperately wants to lose some poundage.

In this comic book, I’m not the bad guy, but my body feels like I am. I’m more like the naive photographer who runs around, trying to keep up with Superman so that I can get a picture. While Cash and Malone run around everywhere faster than a speeding bullet, I crawl like a caterpillar.

With all that said, I’m actually kind of proud. Proud of what?

I survived!

On Sunday, Malone had me walking around Lake Lanier, which will be the scene of the crime come September 23 for the Ache Around the Lake.

Crime? Oh, the crime will be when I fall over at the end, praying that the “god of weightloss” will take me home.

Well… maybe I won’t feel that way then but I felt that way Sunday afternoon. I wasn’t prepared for the adventure that lay ahead of me. I wasn’t prepared for the rugged nature of the streets around Lake Lanier. I had driven them in a car and for some reason, they seemed so much shorter then.

My wife and I walked and walked and walked. I thought that Lake Shore Drive would never end. I ran out of water almost halfway around the lake. I had a blister the size of South Carolina on my heel that bled like it was the Mississippi River flowing to the Gulf of Mexico.

I felt like the farther I walked, the closer to implosion I was.

My wife, who took it a lot better than this baby, offered to let me to sit down while she finished the lap around the lake and retrieved the car. Once the car was retrieved, she promised to come to my rescue.

While I felt like taking the fetal position and crying for my mom, my testosterone levels kicked in. Keep in mind that I did not ingest any alcohol or encounter any vengeful massage therapists like Floyd Landis or Justin Gatlin.

I “manned up” and finished the walk. I wasn’t going to be rescued. I looked up at the clear, blue sky. I listened to the sounds of the lake. I stared down the road and I knew that it was my destiny to finish this walk, bloody heel and all.

Needless to say, I survived and I’m stronger for it. Thanks to Katie’s motivation and persistence, this ole fat boy walked around the lake. Now I know what I’m in for when the “Ache Around the Lake” comes around.

Then there was Wednesday. John Cash talked me into taking one of his spinning classes at Tryon Health and Fitness.

I have to tell you, I have never felt like a bigger pansy. Aside from my quads being really tight, which hindered my ride a little, I could handle the pedaling. Of course, I wasn’t working as hard as Cash, who is like our local version of Lance Armstrong.

I did try.

I pushed those pedals like I was racing towards a big chunk of peanut butter and chocolate fudge and I’ve got to tell you that Cash is a motivator.

He kept me going, even though I did get off of the bike about three or four times. Those bicycle exits were not about the hard work, however. It was more about my rump on the seat.

My rump will be the only thing that hinders me from going back. Cash suggested that I might get some bicycle shorts, which will be a lot more comfortable.

I don’t know about that.

I could see this fat body in a pair of those things. I’d be too inclined to think that someone in the office would sneak out to get a picture of me wearing them.

Sorry, John, I don’t have your zero fat body. My body is filled with fat and my huge belly would hang over the waistline like a canopy. Maybe after I’ve lost a few pounds, we can talk about those shorts.

Either way, it was a great experience. Cash and Malone worked me out this week for sure. If you don’t believe me, ask my muscles. Their moans and groans will confirm.
I do, however, feel better for it. Their motivation is pushing me forward. With Malone in my ear, I get outside more. I run. I jog. I walk. I get to enjoy a few more things that I’ve never enjoyed before. I’ve walked the trails at FENCE. I’ve enjoyed Harmon Field. Most importantly, I’ve enjoyed breathing in the air that God has provided us.

By September 23, I should be ready for Lake Lanier. Mark my word, I will finish that race and I will finish it strong. With friends like John Cash and Katie Malone, how could I not?

Now if they can just hold me down and shove some putrid vegetables in my mouth.