A weightloss ‘prayer’

Let’s pretend for a second that I am a polytheistic person. (For those of you that haven’t had a religion course, we’re pretending that I believe in many gods.)
In my mind, there is actually a “god of weightloss.”

As our imaginary drive continues, let’s imagine for a second that I can somehow talk to this almighty “god of weightloss” that controls my waist size and whether or not I can see my feet.

What would the mighty columnist say to the “god of weightloss?”

For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat, here is my weightloss prayer to the “god of weightloss.”

Dear “god of weightloss,”

Why does everything that taste so good have to be so bad? For instance, why is it that cows have such bad reputations? I just don’t understand.

I mean, they sit and eat grass all day long. With so much grass in their bellies, shouldn’t beef be healthy? Is grass not the same as all the green things that you might find in salad?

What makes chickens so much better than cows? I think it might be a stereotype thing. See...chickens are small, skinny creatures where as cows are big, fat creatures. Is it a stereotype against fat animals, god?

Here we are on Earth, condemning the racists and sexists around our fat world, and you want to discriminate against animals that are obese.

Would cows be healthier if we put them on a diet? Maybe we should force our cows to eat chicken. Would that help?

Furthermore, what’s wrong with the cereal aisle? Is sugar not sweet? If it tastes so good, I don’t think it should be bad.

Eating healthy just seems like a punishment. To lose weight, you have to give up on all the good things in life. For instance, chocolate, beer, cereal, pop tarts, extra butter at the movie theater, koolaid, chocolate, macaroni and cheese pie, bread, bread, bread, and bread.

Why is this god?

You should really look deep within your polytheistic heart and ask yourself how you ended up with such a crappy job. I mean...you got the least fun job in the world of gods.

I’m glad I’m not you. You should really think about making everyone skinny. That would make your job just a little more fun. Think about it. Let everyone eat what they want and still be skinny. You’d be the greatest god in the whole universe. We would build statues in your honor. Imagine a big statue with you holding a big bar of chocolate in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. You’d be adored by many.

You should really think about it. But, anyways, in closing, I would just ask that you take pity on my belly and speed up my weightloss.

Thanks, god.

Yours truly,
Joey Millwood

P.S. Katie Malone is really working me hard down here. Can you like throw a lightning bolt or something?

Now how about that for a prayer. Think any of that will be answered? Probably not, but it felt good to vent.

Anyways, I’m doing pretty well. Katie has me out and about running, sweating, running, sweating, and more running. Pretty soon I might be in condition to run the “Ache Around the Lake” in September. All of this running is good for me.

Katie is really working me hard. Between her drill sergeant ways and Dr. Picone strangling me with a lettuce leaf, I may someday lose some weight.

I have come to one conclusion though. All of you kids out there who are planning to go to college...DON’T! If you value your waistline, it is not where you want to be. I
promise.

College is the new breeding ground for fat people. You live off of fast food diets and beer. It’s the truth. I lived it and my belly had a fun day at the office everyday. It was like “casual Friday” everyday for my belly.

I’m just kidding. Go to college. Just watch what you eat or you’ll be sitting here like me wishing that you might one day run into the imaginary “god of weightloss.”

To give me any messages, go to our website at www.tryondailybulletin.com and click on my name under blogs or you can email me at jmillwood@tryondailybulletin.com.

To find out more information about the “Ache Around the Lake,” go to www.lakelanier5miler.org/.