Fighting the war against cancer

Earlier this year, I had the misfortune of getting a kidney stone in the middle of our Millwood Meltdown program.

Prepare yourself, people. You may want to cover your children’s ears and eyes.

I have another stone. It seems that I might have to change my name to Mick Jagger or something since my kidneys keep getting attacked by the “rolling stones.”

The only problem is that these stones don’t make me want to dance. They make me want to lie down in the floor in a fetal position and call out for my mom.

Just when everything is going great with my “Ache Around the Lake” training, I fall into the “Attack of the Kidney Stones Part II.”

It’s like I work really hard to crawl up to the the top of a mountain and then I fall really fast, headfirst into the ground.

I’m not sure what the problem is. I hear conflicting opinions about where kidney stones come from.

All I know is that I am a pansy who can’t take pain and these kidney stones may be the worst pain that I have ever experienced. They say that it is the male equivalent to a female having a baby.

All I can say is that if this is what it’s like to have a baby, I thank God every day that I am a man.

Sorry, ladies.

It gives me a newfound appreciation for my mother and all the mothers around the world. It also gives me a sense of guilt for the day that my wife and I decide to have a baby.

Of course, knowing this pain will help me be more sensitive to her needs when that day does come.

So here I am, my training halted because of a tiny stone the size of a BB.

In this brief or long pause, whichever it may be, I will take the time to tell you what the “Ache Around the Lake” is really all about.

It’s more than just a run.

I know that I am using it as a way to lose weight and get in shape. While that is all fine and dandy, it’s about something more. Something bigger.

The race is to raise money for the American Cancer Society. So whoever pays the entry fee to race, just know that your money will be going to something that really is a good cause.

Cancer is probably one of the most frightening things in our world. No one ever wants to hear that dreaded word. As I have told you before, cancer is one of the scariest things to me.

This race is a great way to help with cancer research. It’s a great way to fight the scariest thing in the world.

I hope that many in the area will come out and help raise money to fight a disease that is taking so many of our friends and family members.

Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Old and young people get cancer. Skinny and fat people get cancer. All races get cancer.

Cancer is a grave enemy that we need to fight with all our might. I haven’t lost any relatives to cancer as so many of you have, but if that day ever comes, I hope that there are people out there like Katie Malone, Scarlette Tapp, and John Cash who will still be raising money for cancer research.

There need to be more people out there who will help with the cause.

My kidney stones, although very painful, are nothing compared to cancer.

I feel in my heart that this is a giving community. I’ve seen the interest in getting healthy since I have been writing these columns.

Let’s all get together and raise some money for people who need it. Let’s jump right into the trenches of a war that is taking so many precious lives.

Let’s fight cancer on September 23 at the “Ache Around the Lake” five mile run.
For more information about the race and how you can help, go to the website www.lakelanier5miler.org or post a message on my blog. To access my blog, go to www.tryondailybulletin.com. At the bottom of the screen you will see a blog titled “The Shade Tree by Joey Millwood.” Click on that, scroll down to this column and click on “Post a comment.” I will connect you with the right person to talk to about the race.

How one little lap changed one fat man

For the last few weeks, all of you Millwood Maniacs have seen this lowly sports reporter at his worst.

You’ve seen me walking through the valley of a healthy soul. You’ve seen me crawl across the floor in order to get back up on the wagon.

Well, I’m here now to tell you that I about tipped the wagon over on Wednesday night. Don’t worry, that’s a good thing.

When I first started out again on this lonely walk down the Highway to Health, I was creeping around the track at Harmon Field. With Katie Malone’s help, I was hoping to change that.

I did my first trip around the track in three minutes and 31 seconds. Two weeks ago, I did four timed laps. The first three were actually under three minutes, but the last trip around was well over three minutes.

Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed that I couldn’t keep up my momentum.
That all changed on Wednesday. If you happened to be driving by Harmon Field around 7 p.m., you might have saw a blur running around the track.

That fat blur was this lowly sports reporter. Not only did I run my first three laps in less than three minutes, but on my final lap, I ran it in two minutes and six seconds.

That was not a mistake. You didn’t read that wrong. Two minutes and six seconds.
After I finally got my breath back and my legs didn’t feel like rubber, I thought I was going to jump out of my shoes. It was one of the most thrilling moments I’ve had in this journey of mine.

The thought that I ran the track that I thought I’d never tame in a little over two minutes was amazing.

So many afternoons, I’ve walked and run on that track. All I could think about was how the track looked like a big Krispy Kreme donut and I wanted to eat. The benches always looked like hotdog buns to me and the light poles looked like the hotdogs. So many of those afternoons, I left the track craving hotdogs.

That’s all changed now.

My two minutes of glory have changed me. No longer am I contemplating a concession speech, where I just submit to wallowing in my fatness.

No, readers, those days are long gone. What you see now is a rejuvenated sports writer. You see a sports writer who is ready to tame Lake Lanier on September 23. You see a sports writer who is tired of huffing and puffing on the sidelines of football games on Friday night.

What you see now is a sports writer baptized by the sweat that engulfs my fat body like an ocean.

Mission impossible now seems like mission possible.

Some of you may think I’m crazy. After all, how could one little lap change me? I’m still fat, aren’t I?

While the answer to that second question may be yes right at this moment, it won’t be down the road. It may be a little way down the road, but one day I will not be fat.

One day I will be skinny and able to walk among the crowds without bumping into everyone with my belly. One day, I will have to stop using my belly as a lunch tray for snacks during a movie. One day, I will be able to run without my man you-know-whats slapping me in the face.

I may be exaggerating a little, but you get my point.

My life changed on August 9, 2006. One little lap showed me that anything is possible. One little lap opened my eyes to a world that doesn’t include crying about a walk around Lake Lanier. One little lap touched my soul.

It may have had to dig through a lot of fat to get to my soul, but it did touch it.
Feel free to make comments on each of my columns at www.tryondailybulletin.com. On the bottom of the page you will find a list of my blogs. Click on my name and it will take you to the blog, where you can comment on anything.

Two superheroes and a fat guy

Let me preface this by saying that all the readers in Polk County and Landrum nearly lost a sports editor this week.

I felt like I was lost somewhere in the pages of a comic book.

On one side of me, I had Katie Malone. You may also know her as Superwoman. On the other side of me, I had John Cash. You may also know him as Superman.

Stuck in the middle was me, Joey Millwood. You may also know me as the fat guy who desperately wants to lose some poundage.

In this comic book, I’m not the bad guy, but my body feels like I am. I’m more like the naive photographer who runs around, trying to keep up with Superman so that I can get a picture. While Cash and Malone run around everywhere faster than a speeding bullet, I crawl like a caterpillar.

With all that said, I’m actually kind of proud. Proud of what?

I survived!

On Sunday, Malone had me walking around Lake Lanier, which will be the scene of the crime come September 23 for the Ache Around the Lake.

Crime? Oh, the crime will be when I fall over at the end, praying that the “god of weightloss” will take me home.

Well… maybe I won’t feel that way then but I felt that way Sunday afternoon. I wasn’t prepared for the adventure that lay ahead of me. I wasn’t prepared for the rugged nature of the streets around Lake Lanier. I had driven them in a car and for some reason, they seemed so much shorter then.

My wife and I walked and walked and walked. I thought that Lake Shore Drive would never end. I ran out of water almost halfway around the lake. I had a blister the size of South Carolina on my heel that bled like it was the Mississippi River flowing to the Gulf of Mexico.

I felt like the farther I walked, the closer to implosion I was.

My wife, who took it a lot better than this baby, offered to let me to sit down while she finished the lap around the lake and retrieved the car. Once the car was retrieved, she promised to come to my rescue.

While I felt like taking the fetal position and crying for my mom, my testosterone levels kicked in. Keep in mind that I did not ingest any alcohol or encounter any vengeful massage therapists like Floyd Landis or Justin Gatlin.

I “manned up” and finished the walk. I wasn’t going to be rescued. I looked up at the clear, blue sky. I listened to the sounds of the lake. I stared down the road and I knew that it was my destiny to finish this walk, bloody heel and all.

Needless to say, I survived and I’m stronger for it. Thanks to Katie’s motivation and persistence, this ole fat boy walked around the lake. Now I know what I’m in for when the “Ache Around the Lake” comes around.

Then there was Wednesday. John Cash talked me into taking one of his spinning classes at Tryon Health and Fitness.

I have to tell you, I have never felt like a bigger pansy. Aside from my quads being really tight, which hindered my ride a little, I could handle the pedaling. Of course, I wasn’t working as hard as Cash, who is like our local version of Lance Armstrong.

I did try.

I pushed those pedals like I was racing towards a big chunk of peanut butter and chocolate fudge and I’ve got to tell you that Cash is a motivator.

He kept me going, even though I did get off of the bike about three or four times. Those bicycle exits were not about the hard work, however. It was more about my rump on the seat.

My rump will be the only thing that hinders me from going back. Cash suggested that I might get some bicycle shorts, which will be a lot more comfortable.

I don’t know about that.

I could see this fat body in a pair of those things. I’d be too inclined to think that someone in the office would sneak out to get a picture of me wearing them.

Sorry, John, I don’t have your zero fat body. My body is filled with fat and my huge belly would hang over the waistline like a canopy. Maybe after I’ve lost a few pounds, we can talk about those shorts.

Either way, it was a great experience. Cash and Malone worked me out this week for sure. If you don’t believe me, ask my muscles. Their moans and groans will confirm.
I do, however, feel better for it. Their motivation is pushing me forward. With Malone in my ear, I get outside more. I run. I jog. I walk. I get to enjoy a few more things that I’ve never enjoyed before. I’ve walked the trails at FENCE. I’ve enjoyed Harmon Field. Most importantly, I’ve enjoyed breathing in the air that God has provided us.

By September 23, I should be ready for Lake Lanier. Mark my word, I will finish that race and I will finish it strong. With friends like John Cash and Katie Malone, how could I not?

Now if they can just hold me down and shove some putrid vegetables in my mouth.

A weightloss ‘prayer’

Let’s pretend for a second that I am a polytheistic person. (For those of you that haven’t had a religion course, we’re pretending that I believe in many gods.)
In my mind, there is actually a “god of weightloss.”

As our imaginary drive continues, let’s imagine for a second that I can somehow talk to this almighty “god of weightloss” that controls my waist size and whether or not I can see my feet.

What would the mighty columnist say to the “god of weightloss?”

For those of you sitting on the edge of your seat, here is my weightloss prayer to the “god of weightloss.”

Dear “god of weightloss,”

Why does everything that taste so good have to be so bad? For instance, why is it that cows have such bad reputations? I just don’t understand.

I mean, they sit and eat grass all day long. With so much grass in their bellies, shouldn’t beef be healthy? Is grass not the same as all the green things that you might find in salad?

What makes chickens so much better than cows? I think it might be a stereotype thing. See...chickens are small, skinny creatures where as cows are big, fat creatures. Is it a stereotype against fat animals, god?

Here we are on Earth, condemning the racists and sexists around our fat world, and you want to discriminate against animals that are obese.

Would cows be healthier if we put them on a diet? Maybe we should force our cows to eat chicken. Would that help?

Furthermore, what’s wrong with the cereal aisle? Is sugar not sweet? If it tastes so good, I don’t think it should be bad.

Eating healthy just seems like a punishment. To lose weight, you have to give up on all the good things in life. For instance, chocolate, beer, cereal, pop tarts, extra butter at the movie theater, koolaid, chocolate, macaroni and cheese pie, bread, bread, bread, and bread.

Why is this god?

You should really look deep within your polytheistic heart and ask yourself how you ended up with such a crappy job. I mean...you got the least fun job in the world of gods.

I’m glad I’m not you. You should really think about making everyone skinny. That would make your job just a little more fun. Think about it. Let everyone eat what they want and still be skinny. You’d be the greatest god in the whole universe. We would build statues in your honor. Imagine a big statue with you holding a big bar of chocolate in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. You’d be adored by many.

You should really think about it. But, anyways, in closing, I would just ask that you take pity on my belly and speed up my weightloss.

Thanks, god.

Yours truly,
Joey Millwood

P.S. Katie Malone is really working me hard down here. Can you like throw a lightning bolt or something?

Now how about that for a prayer. Think any of that will be answered? Probably not, but it felt good to vent.

Anyways, I’m doing pretty well. Katie has me out and about running, sweating, running, sweating, and more running. Pretty soon I might be in condition to run the “Ache Around the Lake” in September. All of this running is good for me.

Katie is really working me hard. Between her drill sergeant ways and Dr. Picone strangling me with a lettuce leaf, I may someday lose some weight.

I have come to one conclusion though. All of you kids out there who are planning to go to college...DON’T! If you value your waistline, it is not where you want to be. I
promise.

College is the new breeding ground for fat people. You live off of fast food diets and beer. It’s the truth. I lived it and my belly had a fun day at the office everyday. It was like “casual Friday” everyday for my belly.

I’m just kidding. Go to college. Just watch what you eat or you’ll be sitting here like me wishing that you might one day run into the imaginary “god of weightloss.”

To give me any messages, go to our website at www.tryondailybulletin.com and click on my name under blogs or you can email me at jmillwood@tryondailybulletin.com.

To find out more information about the “Ache Around the Lake,” go to www.lakelanier5miler.org/.